“Socha nahi tha zindagi mein yun milogi… milke bhi tum na meri ho sakogi…” I was humming while pacing up the stairs of the hospital… as always I was late for my appointment…

When I entered his room the doctor was waiting for me… it has been years since I started consulting him… for some people ageing is a myth… he looks the same through the many years I have known him…he had already got all my medical reports & was going through them… with a smile on his face he told me I am good to go…

My eyes all welled up… holding on to my test results I thanked him & the Almighty for His grace… I stepped out of the hospital & into the street…

I started walking through the park… the trees & the greenery had a newfound colour to it… I could enjoy the freshness of them after years… the chirping of the birds have become music to my ears again…

A kid, maybe just 2 years old, was playing nearby… suddenly he tripped & fell bruising his knees… he started crying… I ran towards him & picked him up… his face seemed all familiar to me… I was trying to stop him crying when his mom came running… her face was more than familiar to me…

Those eyes have always mesmerized me… the black mole under her lips… I can never stop loving it… I could never stop loving her…

A great friend of mine from college… we were very close after the college days… we never knew when we crossed the lines of friendship… we could never be apart… I could listen to her for hours… just gazing at her mole…

That’s when I got to know that some part of my brain was growing faster than it should… I couldn’t let her know… she would die faster than me… sometimes you have to do what is right even though your heart aches against it… I decided to grow apart from her… I had to become a cheat to drift away from her… I cheated her & myself… she thought I never loved her… she walked away from my life…

Now I am holding her baby… could have been ours… the look in her eyes told me she has never forgiven me… she took the kid from my hand & walked away without even sparing a second glance…

When I wanted to live my doctor told I would die… & now when he told I would live I want to drop dead…

The doors of the church slowly swung open… the breeze flew in… bringing with it the scent of the roses in the bouquet in her hands… there she was… dressed in white… like an angel… my best friend…

The people gathered in the church turned to the central aisle… the bride had arrived… she gracefully walked forward… she was scanning through the crowd… she saw me & waved at me… I waved back at her…

We had met on our first day at school… about twenty years ago… a talkative little girl… a chatter box… she talked about anything & everything… & always I got punished for not listening to the class… she was naughty too… stealing others snack & keeping in my lunch box… she got me into a lot of trouble…

As we grew up… our friendship grew… it was she who supported me when I broke up with my first girlfriend… it was she who helped me through my graduation… she is the best friend anyone can ever get…

The bride & groom were at the altar… he looked handsome… dressed in a black tuxedo… the perfect match for her… he was holding her hand… the priest had declared them husband & wife…

I am very happy to be at her marriage… to be part of her happiness… or was I really happy??? I felt a sting in my heart…

I slowly started walking out of the church… my heart felt heavy… was she more than just a friend for me??? What if I knew earlier??? Would my life be any different??? Would I be the groom in the altar now???

I walked down the steps of the church… got in my bike… oops… our bike… the Royal Enfield… I bought it because it is her favourite… while riding out of the church compound… I could almost feel her behind me… yes… I was leaving a big portion of my heart behind…

I wish I had known this earlier… I wish I had her with me… 

College days… the most beautiful days of anyone’s life… Sitting in the class… listening to the lectures… the most boring thing in life… pretending to pay attention to the class… I was walking through my memories… all she gave me was memories…

She had stolen my heart the very moment I saw her… a new admission in my school… tall, with chocolaty eyes & a cute round face… she came & sat in a bench near mine… I tried to talk to her… she shied away from me…

Slowly our friendship grew… those were some of the best days of my life… I couldn’t spend a day without talking to her… I finally decided to open my mind to her…

It was a rainy day… I was standing in the portico of the school… she came & stood beside me… opened the umbrella, giving me the chance I have been waiting for… we walked slowly through the rain… she was silent & I was humming the tune “mazhathullikal pozhinjeedumee naadan vazhi…” suddenly I blurted out “I love you…” she stopped dead in her tracks…

She was stunned… I searched her eyes for an answer… she turned away from me & started walking… leaving me rooted to the ground… alone… in the chilling rain…

I was broken… she never spoke to me after that day… she slowly faded away from my life… years later… sitting in this class… those memories still choke me…

The lecturer was racing through the topics… I was least interested in what was being discussed in the class…

My eyes were searching for her… a good friend of mine… she was busy writing the notes… she looked really cute concentrating on the frantic movements of the pen… my gaze was stuck in her eyes that were chasing the pen…

I have always wondered… can love happen twice??? I guess I really like her, nothing more… I am afraid… I don’t want to be hurt… I don’t want to lose a friend… again…

The bell rang… waking me up from my thoughts… she got up to leave… I packed my bag & started after her… her long hair swung from side to side as she walked… soon I caught up with her… we started talking about random things… she kept chattering non-stop… & her smile was tearing my heart apart… what the hell… I LOVE HER… I can no longer lie to myself…

But I kept mum... buried my feelings deep inside my heart… & smiled…

We reached the gate… she walked towards her cycle… & me towards my bike… she waved me goodbye... my heart ached… I kept looking back at her till she was out of sight… but she never even spared a glance…

Some feelings are best kept silent…

The jet touched down on the runway… I was woken up by the jerk… thrown into reality from the dreams…

Walking out of the airport… I collected my baggage & hired a taxi… we were driving through the outskirts of the city… soon we passed by my school…

The image of my school set against the clear blue sky brought back a lot of memories… there were children playing in the ground… years back… I was just like them… playing… with my friends… with her…

I don’t remember for how long we had been friends… she was there with me throughout my schooldays… saving me from a lot of problems… & getting me into many more…

And then we joined in the same college… only because I couldn’t stay away from her… I don’t know if she ever knew my liking for her… we survived through the college together…

Soon college days also came to an end… I wanted to open up to her… the day of our convocation… we got our degrees… threw high our graduation caps… we walked out of the college together… reaching the gate, I told her I had something to tell her… she stopped… I told her what I had in mind… she started walking away from me… without speaking a single word…

The car horn brought me back to the present… the gates of my home swung open… I was back after a long gap of 3 years… there were a lot of activities going on in the house… lots of relatives & friends… I was welcomed with lots of love… my mom was really happy to have me back at home…

There were lot of greeting cards spread on the coffee table… from my friends & relatives… I was flicking through them… suddenly an invitation card caught my attention… I picked it up… it was of a marriage set for the coming Sunday… it had her name with the bride’s tag… it sent me bouncing back to old memories…

After the convocation I tried to contact her again… she didn’t respond to my proposal… I was taken by grim… soon I received an offer from abroad… I decided to run away from reality… working there, I made many of my dreams come true… a home… a car… & much more… except one…

My mom derailed my thoughts… she brought me a cup of coffee… anything made by mom has a speck of love in it… I was sipping the coffee & scanning through the card… with a smile… the card had my name… at the groom’s place… yes… my biggest dream coming true…

Suddenly my mobile started vibrating… her name flashed in the screen… I took it up & started walking out… 

The sun was setting in the far west… splashing the many different shades of red in the sky… I was sitting on the wall in front of my home… chatting with friends… a car came speeding… she was in the backseat… her face churned up my insides… the memories were in reverse gear…

Many years back… they had shifted to our neighbourhood… she & her family… the first time I saw her… I was sitting on this very same wall… with the same bunch of friends… she came walking… holding her dad’s hand… she was looking pretty in that blue skirt of hers… she walked past us without even sparing a glance… but had surely stole a lot more than a glance from me…

One day we were playing in the road… she was returning from her classes… holding a lot of books… walked past us without even lifting her eyes from the road… I hit the ball hard… the ball followed my heart & hit her… she fell on the road… friends ran away while I ran towards her… she had skinned her elbows & her knees were also bleeding… so was my heart… my words of apology couldn’t hold back her tears of pain… she walked away from me sobbing… I slowly dragged myself home…

The next day… I was sitting on the wall… waiting for her… she walked past me… but did spare me a quick glance… I was floating with happiness… from then, every day I waited for her… & she always spared me a look… sometimes a cute smile too… her smile is the sweetest thing I have ever seen… my heart goes fluttering…

She told me everything she wanted… through unspoken words… our silent friendship grew… so did we… she became the prettiest women in the neighbourhood… & me… I don’t know…

But sometimes you wish you never grew up… today I wish I could live again in the yesteryears… but sitting on the wall & remembering the past is all I could do… a car came speeding… she was in the backseat… beside her husband… the bride & groom were rushing to catch up with their new life… our eyes had locked briefly… there was a speck of gloom in her eyes… all I could do was smile & wave at her…

The car sped away from me… I got down from the wall & slowly dragged myself home… I wish we never grew up… somewhere a tv was blaring a song from Honeybee… “innalakale thirike varumo…” will my yesterdays ever return???

A Rainy Day...

It was a rainy day… a day which brought back a lot of memories…

I was sitting at a bus stop… with my ears plugged with the earphones… the track “Vizhi moodi” from Ayan was playing in my phone… “ini ithu pol mazhaikalam en vaazhvil varumo???” will I ever get back those beautiful days…

Across the street… was a coffee shop… a young couple were enjoying hot chocolate… sipping through the most wonderful memories they will ever have… I was feeling a little jealous…

A bus pulled up… the doors hissed open… I got up to board the bus… an umbrella opened up through the door… she came out… in my most favourite light blue churidar… my heart started racing… I could never get used to her beautiful face… each time I saw her, I fell all over again…

Her eyes darted to my face… our eyes locked briefly… she swiftly gazed away from me… we walked past each other… like strangers… total strangers…

I walked through the aisle of the bus… got a seat near the window… I sat gazing out… rain drops were dripping through the glass… & I was falling through the memories…

I don’t remember when I had first met her… a classmate from school… we grew up together… she was my friend… a pretty good one… she stood by me in my thick & thin… & slowly… through years… our relationship evolved… I started noticing how lovely she was… I fell pretty hard… but she held on tight… she grew more than a friend… it was the most beautiful days in my life… we walked through the college corridors… determined to walk the journey of life together…

But soon we were at crossroads… once past the friendship, expectations rise… & maybe I couldn’t live in her dreams… in a frantic chase to catch up with life… a life I wished to share with her… I had missed many moments with her… it all started with small quarrels… one leading to another… I realised it was just a card house I had made with her… & it came crashing down on us… leaving her walking out of my life… I was left all empty…

The bus pulled out of the curb… life had her walking away from me again… her determined strides reminded me I didn’t have any place in her heart…

I sat gazing out through the window… rain drops were dripping through the glass… & I was falling through the memories… with tears rolling down my cheeks… reminding me where my heart was…